The Money Stories We Inherit
Recently, I spoke with real estate investor Gino Barbaro, who owns nearly 2,000 doors and $450 million in real estate. Despite his success, Gino shared how his childhood money stories initially limited his financial growth.
Gino grew up in a family that valued saving, had a scarcity mindset, and was protective of money. Even as he accumulated wealth, he wasn’t happier – he was actually fearful of losing what he had.
This is what he calls his “money blueprint” – the relationship with money formed in childhood that follows us into adulthood. Unfortunately, many families don’t even discuss money with their children. It remains one of society’s last taboos.
“It’s never about the money. Money is just the symptom. There’s something going on underneath.”
Recognizing Your Money Patterns
I’ve coached hundreds of people through their money issues, and I’ve seen how these childhood patterns emerge in adult financial decisions. Gino shared two formative money memories:
- At age 5, his grandmother couldn’t afford toy soldiers he wanted, creating a pattern of “not having enough” and feeling he had to act immediately or miss opportunities
- At age 8, receiving $2 from his father after working at the family restaurant, with everyone praising his hard work – hardwiring the connection between hard work, money, and approval
These early experiences led him to open a restaurant at 23 and work intensely for 15 years. The pattern was clear: hard work equals money equals approval.
My own story includes a penny-pinching father who constantly said things like “money doesn’t grow on trees” and “what do you think I’m made of, money?” I developed beliefs that you had to work extremely hard and that other people got ahead through connections I didn’t have.
How Money Stories Affect Relationships
These money stories don’t just affect our individual financial decisions – they create tension in our relationships. I’ve seen countless couples argue about money without understanding the root causes.
Gino described how his marriage was affected by the differing financial backgrounds of his wife and himself. He came from a middle-class family that valued saving and planning, whereas his wife grew up with a single mother who struggled to put food on the table. He became “the planner” while she was “the winger.”
One couple I worked with struggled because the wife put immense pressure on her entrepreneur husband. When we dug deeper, we discovered that her father had gone bankrupt three times, which had led to family upheavals. Her fear wasn’t about their current finances but about reliving her childhood trauma.
Understanding these patterns completely changed their dynamic. Instead of feeling disrespected and inadequate, the husband could see his wife’s behavior through a lens of compassion. She could recognize she was projecting her father’s failures onto her husband.
Breaking Free From Limiting Money Stories
The first step to breaking free is awareness. Sit down with your partner from a place of empathy, not judgment, and share your money stories. This conversation can transform your relationship with each other and with money.
Next, identify your money archetype or persona. Are you a saver, a spender, a risk-taker, or risk-averse? Understanding your natural tendencies helps you make more informed financial decisions that align with your values.
Finally, create a plan that honors both your past and your future. Acknowledge where you’ve come from, but don’t let it dictate where you’re going. As Gino beautifully put it, be a gardener, planting seeds for future generations, and creating a legacy of healthy financial relationships.
Remember, the wealthiest people aren’t working for money – they’re working for results and creating value. The more value you create, the more money follows. But if you’re operating from fear or scarcity, you’ll never take the chances needed to make that value.
Your money story doesn’t have to be your money future. By understanding your past, you can cultivate a new relationship with wealth that benefits not just you, but also generations to come.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: How can I identify my own money stories if I’m not aware of them?
Begin by reflecting on your earliest memories related to money. Think about what your parents said about finances, how they handled money discussions, and any significant financial events in your childhood. Pay attention to your current emotional reactions to money situations — anxiety, excitement, shame — as these often connect to early experiences.
Q: Can money stories be positive, or are they always limiting?
Money stories can be positive! Some people grow up with healthy money models that teach resourcefulness, generosity, and smart financial management. The key is awareness – understanding which stories serve you and which limit you. Even positive money stories should be examined to ensure they’re appropriate for your current life circumstances.
Q: How do I talk about money stories with my partner without causing arguments?
Approach the conversation with curiosity rather than judgment. Set aside dedicated time when you’re both relaxed, not during a financial crisis. Start by sharing your own stories first, which creates a sense of safety for your partner to open up. Use “I” statements rather than accusations, and remember that the goal is understanding, not changing each other immediately.
Q: If I’ve identified limiting money beliefs, how long does it take to change them?
Changing deep-seated money beliefs is a process that varies for each person. Some individuals may experience breakthroughs quickly, while others may require months or years of consistent effort. The key is persistent awareness – catching yourself when old patterns emerge and consciously choosing new responses. Working with a financial therapist or money coach can accelerate this process by providing tools and accountability.
